~ How People Communicate ~ | MysteryCoach

I have my great book here, Crucial Conversations, which outlines all the things we don?t know about communication. When I first read it a number of years ago, I struggled with my own ego and a sense of feeling like if I did some of the things in the book, I wasn?t defending my position or my thoughts. The thing is, if you don?t communicate well, you?re not going to be heard anyway because communication will break down and it will all fall apart right before your eyes.

Communication is truly a ?skill? and we can all learn how to communicate better with one another if we try. Particularly when something strikes a nerve and we have to insert a ?pause? before ripping someone a new one without THINKING. Noooo I?ve never done this! That?s a joke, I have reacted badly from time to time, moving on.

I watch how people communicate on G+ and due to the many conversations I see on there that go astray, I pulled out my book there to refresh my memory.

Yah. Last person standing WINS!
No. Not good.

I?d forgotten a few things and also it identifies what other people do and how to be aware of responding to that particular ways others communicate. Some people are masters at baiting you, making assumptions, trying to get you to respond to them ?in kind? and in the end YOU look like the jerk. Yup. Doesn?t matter what you say, if you lose control ?regardless? of what?s being said to you, YOU look like the one with the problem EVEN IF you have been baited into an argument by the comments made by someone else.

Think about it. Go on. I?ll wait.

I follow others who have good communication skills and I watch what they do. Last night there was a discussion about religion (very touchy topic, wouldn?t you agree?) and one gentleman stayed on topic, didn?t get angry, expressed his views in a very non-confrontational way. The other gentleman was not as articulate. The second person only wanted to express his view, his perspective, was not as informed as the other gentleman NOR was he able to express it as well, he went to slamming the guy ?for who he is? versus staying on the topic itself and having a conversation about it. Wait! I know, we have deep feelings on many things, this is merely an example of just how fast this conversation went down hill. The first gentleman, ignored the second person?s slanderous remark and stuck to the topic itself.

I?m that guy who just wants to be right. Please kiss my ?

No. Nobody ?won?? however the skill the first gentleman showed was excellent. I?ve seen other people do this as well and I practice it myself, not to get sucked into something where someone else is trying intentionally to get a rise out of me. If we?re talking about the manipulative woman at my old job, that?s a bit more difficult when they?re in your face day in and day out. Course, I?m hoping that with a lot of practice (wish me luck) this type of thing will roll off and not affect me. We?ll see what happens when/if confronted by someone like this in the future. Online, it?s easier to walk away from the computer, take a breath and think about what you want to say so we don?t go into fright or flight mode.

I learned quite a bit by paying attention to others, watching and experiencing how others communicate as to how to address certain things to promote more open conversations. Some of them are pat responses which are statements and phrases used to indicate we hear the person we?re speaking to, we acknowledge their point of view and it helps build bridges and make the other person feel ?safe? to express themselves. Depending on who we?re talking to, this is a great idea IF they?re contributing to the conversation themselves.

Yup. I know, Kdaddy is going to jump on that ?safe? portion. SO I?ll address it.

Have any of you ever had a conversation where you were put down, someone got angry with you, your thoughts were minimized, you didn?t feel heard or you felt dismissed?

After a while, depending on who you speak to, you may not feel comfortable talking to others anymore based on a few experiences. This is not only for abusive relationships, that would be another book by Patricia Evans, The Verbally Abusive Relationship, which has methods to deflect verbal abuse.

Communication is one of the best ways to build relationships, get to know one another, work through disagreements and connect with one another versus relationships breaking down due to misunderstandings, fear, bad habits we pick up over time and how we express ourselves to others.

These skills take time to absorb, learn and then implement. When someone is confrontational with us or baits us

I?m right, you?re wrong. Bite me.

into an argument we go to ?fright or flight? mode. Which goes directly back to how to promote safety in a conversation with someone else who we?re talking to who may have misinterpreted what we?ve said.

This is also about self awareness because as you go along, you?ll find there are some things you react strongly to which gives you the opportunity to address that particular issue not only with someone else, but yourself as well. So we?re all on the same page, there are some people who you will not be able to talk to, they have no desire to come to any understanding with you or anyone else. Walking away is good, whenever possible.

Oh. Really? Why should YOU change? LOL ! Lemme tell you what. When I first read the books I referenced above it was like taking a jack hammer to every BAD thing I had ever learned and unscrambling it in my head and then coming out with something better.

Your goal is to communicate better and create healthier relationships. You can, over time, learn to express yourself in a way where you don?t shut someone else down or out? So, when you improve, most of your relationships will improve and this is not about YOU getting YOUR WAY ? this is about mutuality and building relationships with others.

You can also more readily identify those who just want to argue and have no intention of ever engaging in a conversation where any resolution is had. No, we are NOT talking about the socratic method of communication. We can save that for debates and other things. Although? it can be fun.

Source: http://mysterycoachdsi.com/2012/09/16/how-people-communicate/

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